Day #31 – Calm down, France

I have long regarded France as a wonky version of England. There's a reason that, while students of Asian Studies have entire lessons on their timetables devoted to dealing with culture shock, the European students are merrily sent on their way with a cheery thumbs up and maybe some comments about bringing back cheap wine and salad dressing (God, do my family love French salad dressing)

And, I mean, yeah, France is basically Britain, isn't it? The weather is just as unpredictable, there are still things like hospitals and cars and hairdressers, and the French use more Englishisms in their everyday speech then they would like to admit (see: 'cool', 'alright', 'let's go', 'what?', 'dead', all swear words). Sometimes I swear I've just moved to Keighley, or Leith, except a sort of dystopian version where everybody speaks French and eats a wide variety of cheeses. But there are some definite differences that remind me that I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore.

1. thE WEATHER

WHAT THE HECK, FRANCE. IT IS THE 10TH OCTOBER AND THERE IS SUN IN MY EYES. SUN. STREAMING. I'M SO SWEATY. YOU TAKE YOUR HIGHS OF 19°C AND YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR- although, speaking of that, I was caught in what can only be described as an apocalyptic downpour yesterday and I had to hide in Lidl for half an hour. (I bought a massive tin of chili con carne and a bar of chocolate; it was a successful trip). I have also had evenings where I've been so cold I've had to wrap up under my duvet in two jumpers with the laptop charger clutched between my hands because it's the only warm thing in the house. Go figure.

LIAR

2. French people do smoke as much as we think they do...

...but they hate when you point it out. They get all huffy and defensive and say stuff like, “English people smoke too!” Like, yah pal, the English smoke, but the French smoke. They smoke like chimneys. They chew on the ends of those e-cigarettes at bars and in cafés, then switch to a regular clope the second they step outside. They have smoke pouring out of their noses even when there is no cigarette in sight. That's how evolved they are.

3. Some people are just walking clichés, and I'm at peace with that.
Yes, boy in a green velvet blazer eating a baguette in the campus cafeteria. Yes, French housemate who somehow smokes while playing the trumpet in the conservatory. Yes, elderly woman carefully cutting her own brie to enjoy with her wine at a table on the pavement on a sunny market day. You guys do you.

4. Nobody drinks proper milk.
For a country where dairy products seem to make up about 80% of everyone's diet, France cannot make milk for neither love nor money. Firstly, everyone seems to ingest UHT milk, which creeps me out and should creep you out too. The second problem is that the French have different levels of milk. Full-fat milk. Baby milk. That's fine. Then there's vitamin milk. Creamed milk. Aisles and aisles of branded milk. And none of it goes in the fridge?
And I'm the weird one for wanting to put it in my tea.

nothing to do with milk, really, but quite nice

5. French TV sucks
Literally nobody watches French TV, apart from my mate Safiya, who found the French equivalent of 'Take Me Out' (for all those keen beans, the direct translation of 'Seduis-moi si tu peux' is actually 'Seduce Me If You Can'), but she's English and therefore does not count. And also...

6. The French will dub everything.

You know how sometimes artsy people will say things like, “Yah, well, I prefer to watch old films with subtitles rather than dubbing, because otherwise it can really lose a certain je ne sais quoi in the audio?” That's me now. I have become one of those people. 

I went to go see '22 Jump Street'. It was dubbed. 'Friends' is dubbed. 'How I Met Your Mother' is dubbed. The last straw came for me when we watched the 1989 American film 'Dangerous Liaisons' in my Literature and Cinema course. It is an English-language film. It was dubbed in French. And the teacher put the English subtitles on the bottom. At that point my brain turned into sand and I launched myself into space.

I have more things to say about France, but I'm going to leave it at that, because even talking about the dubbing in 'Dangerous Liaisons' has made me so angry I've had to put my panini down. And that's very angry.

Next time: “Can you make friends in French?” (Answer: No. God, I'm lonely.)

Josie

P.S. Hi Mum, me again, that last line was a funny joke. I have at least four friends.